Circles of Flame

So, yeah. I haven't written a blog entry in a while. But I have an excuse! Sorta. I was away all of last week at a camp, and then for the past few days at a family reunion. The camp was fun, but the reunion only served to remind me of how extremely southern most of my dad's family is. At least I got to hang out with my cousins Louis and Sam, ages 7 and 4, who provided constant entertainment. I think I played more Uno and Go Fish than I ever have before in my life.

I leave again on Wednesday to go to another family reunion (my mom's side, this time) in Vermont. Most of her family lives somewhere out in the southwest, but she has a cousin or something who lives in Vermont, and apparently owns some cabins by a lake. So, I'll be staying in a cabin, surrounded by a whole bunch of people who somehow know me, even though I can't really remember any of them. This should be interesting. But anyway, I'll be gone until... maybe about Sunday or so? Something like that.

I'm sad because Daily will be leaving for California on Wednesday also, and won't get back until the next Wednesday... siiiiigh. Even though some of you might hate me for saying this, I actually sorta look forward to school starting back again. At least that way I will get to see her every day!

I am, for some reason, feeling rather more literary and artistic than ever before. I've been reading a lot, mostly books that I've borrowed from Daily. I've been doing more art, and enjoying it. I've actually started writing in a journal recently, which has been a rather interesting experience. And I have some ideas for another poem, which I may attempt to write at some point. All in all, I feel quite productive. Haha, it'd be nice if this new-found productivity would help me write a song for our band... oh well. We haven't gotten to practice at all recently, between Alexandros's trip to Greece, my various trips, Carrie's surgery, and random other stuff. Sigh.

Ugh, my internet is being slow. It's really annoying. That's about it for now. I suppose I'll post another blog entry in a week or so, after the family reunion. If I remember. Haha. Enjoy your summers, everyone!

like a castle built on the sand, slowly eroding

chitlins con carne

Ha, so much for being productive this summer. My sister and I got The Sims 3, which has been wo(nd)e(r)fully addicting, and has basically taken up the past few days of my life. Aside from its habit of randomly crashing every now and then, it's a pretty good game. As expected, if you liked The Sims 2, you'll like this one.

In other news, YAYYY! Over the past week or two, I'd been working on building a new computer to act as a webserver. It works! You can visit it here: http://e.rabidcentipede.com/ (even though you won't see anything if I turn the computer off.) The next thing I'm trying to do is build a (reaaaally) basic blogging system. I'll let you know if it ever works.

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I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her (this whole not-being-at-school thing might be hard...)

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Two of my favorite hobbies are karate and drums. Since I already have a second degree blackbelt in shorinji kempo karate, most of the training I do now is in stickfighting. There is something oddly calming about stickfighting - when Sensei and I are practicing, instinct and reflex take over. I am no longer stressed or bothered by the petty concerns that I normally worry about. I just move with the rhythm - blocking, countering, dodging, striking. I am focused completely on his stick. My arms move on their own, executing the techniques and patterns until they become second-nature. Stepping forwards and backwards, edging to one side or another - it's almost a zen-like state of motion. Drumming is similar - once I get into the beat, my arms and legs take care of themselves. Even though it may seem difficult at first to keep four different limbs moving in four different patterns, it's actually quite easy. If you can get into the right flow, you can stay there with little effort. It just feels... natural.

I don't know. I guess most people think of meditation as something silent and still. But to me, stickfighting and drumming are a form of meditation. Even though they both seem complicated, they are both basically simple patterns and rhythms.

What things do you use as a form of meditation?

"what a sick, masochistic lion"

summer?

yay. so. It's summer.

There's a whole bunch of stuff I've been wanting to do for a while now, and I figured summer would be a good time to try to get them all done. I mean, I don't have school anymore, so it should all just be free time, right? Well, somehow, I can never get around to finishing anything. Ah well. Hopefully my work ethic will return soon.

My sister recently got me re-addicted to The Sims 2. And guess what just came out today? The Sims 3! We're probably going to get it tomorrow. Hopefully? haha.

There are sooo many movies coming out this summer, it's ridiculous. I saw Angels and Demons - it was good, even if they did sorta skip most of the first half of the story. I saw Terminator: Salvation - it was okay... you could tell that all of their budget went to special effects instead of story. And I've heard good things about Up, which I am planning to see soon. Other things I want to see: Night at the Museum 2, Transformers 2 (and the first one, probably should watch that first...), the new Harry Potter movie... and then New Moon comes out in November! yayyy, I cannot wait.

I recently started watching Ouran High School Host Club again. It is a HILARIOUS show. I highly recommend it.

Meh, I guess I should quit procrastinating and actually go do something productive now.


my favorite three-word phrase

ranting for a bit (plus: ANGER!)

I figure I should write again. Hmm.... haha, well, I'm sorry my life isn't as angst- and drama-filled as some of the other bloggers out there (just kidding guys, you know I love reading your blogs). But anyway, I guess it's my turn to indulge in some random ranting.

Sooo... it's almost the end of the school year. Usually, I'd be looking forward to this. However... this year feels different. I've been so much happier this year in general, and have made so many new friends... I'd almost rather keep coming to school and hanging out with everyone than have to go our seperate ways during the summer. I mean, I know we will be able to see eachother occasionally, but it will be difficult... Alexandros is taking a month-long trip to Greece (no fair!), and Daily will randomly be going to Florida and California and stuff. Whoops, there go two of my best friends. Oh well, I guess I can just wait until next school year...

The more I think about it, the more I realize how strange next year will be. I mean, yes, I will be a senior... but I don't really think that means that much to me. I mean, I'm going to be taking Theater 1 (again), which is probably going to be filled with freshmen. And then who knows who else will be taking The Voice. Besides, enough of my friends are either freshmen or sophomores right now that I will probably spend more time with them than with my actual grade.

And then, all of the people that will be gone next year... Hm. Well, I'm glad some of the teachers will be gone (not that it matters, since I'm never taking spanish again. ever.)... but then... sigh. Mr. Dailey will be gone. This frustrates me. Hmm, I might as well get this out now:

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??


I mean really... I usually don't get mad, but I am BEYOND pissed at the people who complained about him. Okay, I can deal with the fact that you got a bad grade in his class, and are annoyed. I can deal with the fact that you might not always agree with him, or like his teaching methods. But seriously... complaining to the administration and trying to get him kicked out? And using that video as an excuse? You disgust me.

Mr. Dailey was one of my favorite teachers. He encouraged us to think in new and different ways, and I appreciated that. I mean, I didn't even agree with him all of the time, but it was still refreshing to hear his opinion.

But really. Calling him out on... an anti-homophobia video? REALLY? And what was your lame excuse? Oh yeah, you said that he was "forcing his views upon you".... what the heck? Since when is promoting understanding and peace a bad thing? If a history teacher told you that killing black people just because they were black was bad, you wouldn't complain about them "forcing their beliefs upon you", would you? No. I'm tired of your ignorance and obvious disrespect for both human rights and one of my favorite teachers. Thanks to you, he now has to find a new job next year. I hope karma comes back to bite you some day - it will be vicious.


*end rant*

Yeah, sorry. I got a little angry. And it doesn't really matter, because the main person(s) I was targeting that at probably doesn't read this anyway. Oh well.

Bleh, tired. And I have physics to study for tomorrow... fun fun.


in the year of my decline...

A Flat B Flat

Okay, so anyone who showed up to the last symposium got to hear our band play an original song, A Flat B Flat. For a long time, it didn't have any lyrics (hence the name, which just describes the two main chords). However, I really liked this song, and decided it needed lyrics, and wrote them.

Here they are:

(piano intro)
(small drum roll)

(a)Driving down the interstate at (b) 60 miles per hour
(a)The rush of adrenalin,(b)the cold thrill of power
(a)Cars blurring by you (b)to the left and right
(a)An enhanced state of mind, (b)you contemplate your life
(small drum fill)

(a)There must be more than this,(b) you think subconsciously
(a)Some sort of purpose, meaning, (b)a reason to be
(small drum fill)

(a)As you think,(b) you begin to relax,
(a)And without meaning to, (b)your foot slips off the gas
(longish drum fill, transition into mid section, piano turns to organ)

(random jam, lots of drum fills)
(lots of guitar wah)
(random keyboard going up and down)

(somehow, transition back. back to piano)

(a)flying through the air at (b) nearly the speed of light
(a) you can see so far from here (b) there’s no end in sight
(a)soaring above the towns (b)and the buildings too
(a)you look out in the distance (b)an infinity of blue
(a)you fly higher still (b) deep into space
(a) didn’t find a meaning (b)but you saw her face

poem, currently untitled.

in this instant, I steal your soul.

the fall of man,
or the rise of sanity?

the sun rises.
a city scene, perfectly happy.
oh, unreal city!
a row of pretty perfect homes perched in a row,
housewives bustling contently,
businessmen off at work.
the clock chimes,
the sun sets.
these are the wasted days.

far up in the ancient tower,
surrounded by his whirring clockwork masterpiece,
the phantom watches.
nothing disturbs his observations,
save the marking of the hour.

a table laden with golden drinks,
a room shining with smiles and jewelry.
a woman sips wine at her table,
floating in the easy tension of the evening.
the magician takes the stage,
a paragon of trickery and deceit.
a white dove emerges, drawn from his black hat.
black and red cards emerge, drawn from his black hat.
he smiles a convincing smile, leading the audience along,
down a narrow trail of deception.
his sly charisma, it fools us all.

your eyes that burn with jade fire
hide endless pain and desire.
the trick is telling them apart.

clouds of the dust of ages past obscures our vision,
but is not the blindness of ignorance a greater threat?
call up your scholars, historians, critics, visionaries
and see the best that they've got.
disappointed yet? if not,
you're not looking hard enough.

the man stands, cloaked in black,
like lightning, his pale eyes flash.
the knife slides in slowly.
his job is done.
silently he mounts his steel horse,
a mass of throbbing metal and pulsing muscle,
and rides off into the piercing rain.

the sun rises.
a mountain scene, perfectly clear.
a river of endless blue,
rows of brittle pines,
rocky slopes, and crisp fresh air.
wind winding down the valley
gently caresses the trees
as I caress your hand.
the sun sets.
oh, these days that are both
far too long and far too short.

the phantom sighs.
black, red, white, gold
an endless swirl of colors.
this is my mind, faded around the edges.

wind winding around the fortress walls,
stirring up clouds of dust,
probing for a weakness, searching.
there is no end in sight.

in the dark,
no one can hear you scream.
in the dark, you can only see so far.
limited foresight,
limited hindsight,
a shaded perception.

halfway down east 17th street sits a small cafe.
a woman sips her coffee at a table,
scanning faded lines of a half-forgotten novel.
smoke rises, circling above her head.
in the narrow cobblestone trail,
a white dove pecks at wind-scattered crumbs.
the women sets down her cup, enlightened.
tossing her cigarette over her shoulder,
the woman departs.

the demon leans in closer.
pain is for the weak,
she scoffed with a glint in her eye.
I cannot take this any more.
a small incision is all that's needed,
the poison drips in slowly.
I cannot take this any more.
one small bite and down you go:
the red-eyed twin-demons of fear and deceit
have had their fill.
I cannot take this any more.
the queen sits cold, broken.
her blank canvas marred,
her fears unspoken.
She cries, her tears reflected in the silver mirror.

here I sit in my sanctuary,
the eye of the storm.
half-forgotten treasures, sleepy pauses.
you are by my side.
however, not all are pleased.
the crowds seek excitement, anger, violence.
their screams echo in the distance,
their firebombs approach.

the sun rises.
a row of pretty perfect homes perched in a row --
shouldn't there be more than this? --
manifest their owner's delight.
the wind howls, the clouds change.
a mountain fog approaches.
the darkness falls in slowly,
overcoming each one.
the sun sets.
these are the end-times.

the clock chimes in the dead of night,
its silver peal ringing through the air.
the black boot thrusts downward.
choking, gasping.
his pale eyes beg,
why have you forsaken me?
silence.
now he knows all the tricks.
the phantom departs.

the sun rises.
tongues of flame leap into the sky,
slowly burning the perfect houses.
smoke rises, circling above the city.
embers, ash, envy, rage.
destruction creeps down the street,
demolishing all in its path.
the phantom surveys the land, and mourns -
a world both dead and alive with fire.
as the last charred timbers sink into the debris,
the clock chimes.
the sun sets.
this is the way the world ends.

you see this?? I can be this.
this is what I shall become.

On philosophy, religion, beliefs, and morals.

A rather complex topic, eh?

Note: I don’t want to offend anyone with this. If you don’t agree with me, whatever. It doesn’t bother me. I’m just going to sorta rant about stuff.


Anyways. I’m an analytical person. I like to understand things, to be able to see how and why they work. Because of this, I want to understand life. I want to know why I am here, why you are here, and why we do the things we do. Therefore, I’ve always had a vague interest in psychology and philosophy, and have spent a lot of time thinking about these things.

Religion serves as an answer for most people – it explains why everyone is here, why we do what we do, and why we should do it. However, being an analytical person, I’ve always had difficulty accepting most of the world’s major religions. They all seemed to conflict with science or logic in some way. And this just didn’t work for me. I never really felt right with the idea of suspending logic and reasoning, and relying only on faith. Logic is what we use to understand the world around us – why must it suddenly stop working in this case? If there is some sort of God, why doesn’t he/she exist in a way that can be logically explained?

The other thing that always bothered me about (organized) religion was the elitism that seemed to follow it. So many of the religions teach that theirs is the only true path, and that anyone else was wrong and would burn in hell or whatever. This never made sense to me… someone born in a different country in a different culture would never have a chance to be exposed to your religion, and would instead be raised with their native religion… what are they doing wrong? Why do they deserve damnation, just because they followed what their parents taught them?

And then so many religions also have to be discriminatory. If you preach love and peace, stick to your word. If you say that God loves everyone, that means he loves EVERYONE – including people of other faiths, cultures, sexual orientations, political parties, etc.


Soooo. Enough about bashing other religions. Now, to the more interesting part… what I believe.

When figuring out what I believe, I tried to start with as many basic truths as possible – things that made logical sense, and could be agreed upon regardless of your religion. For instance: humans enjoy pleasure, and dislike pain. Our nervous systems are made in a way that some things please us, while others cause us pain. Things that cause us pain are usually dangerous, so the pain serves as a warning. Because of this, it can be inferred that we are not meant to experience pain. Therefore, causing pain to others, be it physical, emotional, or whatever, is bad. And bringing pleasure to others, by making them feel happy, loved, and cared for, is good. In addition, making yourself happy, as long as it does not cause pain to others, is good. And causing pain to yourself is bad.

Those basic guidelines serve more or less as my system of morals. They make some sort of rational sense, which I personally find more comforting than some religious text telling me what is and isn't right. Besides, the moral systems of almost all of the major religions line up with my own pretty well - loving others, being peaceful, etc., all fit under my guidelines.

On a more metaphysical/spiritual side... I'm still not really sure what I think. Right now, it goes something like this: the world is a very complex thing, and we all have different ways of viewing and understanding it. Everyone percieves things differently, based on their own experiences and beliefs. Some might percieve the world to include a God, while others might percieve five, six, or even hundreds of gods. Still others will percieve no gods at all. One person might see a "miraculous" rescue of some sort, and percieve it as an act of God. A second person may percieve it as a random act of chance, while a third person might see how exactly physically possible it actually was, and that therefore there was no "miracle" involved. In my opinion, all three of these are correct ways of interpreting the incident... they are merely just different ways of trying to comprehend the amazing complexity of the universe.

Because of this, I believe that all faiths, including non-faiths such as agnosticism and athiesm, are correct. Each one is just a different way of looking at the same thing.

As for what happens after we die... I'm not sure about this. I sorta like the idea that people are in control of what happens to them when they die. People who think they will go to heaven will go to heaven. People who think they will go to hell will go to hell. People who think life just ends will... just end. People who think they will be reincarnated will be reincarnated. None of these are wrong, it all depends on what you think. Since none of these can be proven (or disproven!) logically, I refuse to believe that any particular one of these is correct and that the others are wrong. I just think that your perception of the world after death will depend on what you think it should be.

In addition, I have a rather interesting perspective on prayers/wishes/goals. To me, these are all the same things. A person who percieves the world as having a God will express their goals and wishes as prayers. A person who percieves the world as NOT having a God will express their prayers as wishes and goals.


There's more, but I can't really think of anything else right now. Oh yeah, sorry for the horrible writing style/quality. I have all of these things I want to say, but they end up sounding really awkward by the time I actually type them. Oh well.

Thoughts?


An eternity of THIS before your eyes...