Sunday, December 6, 2009
in formal dress and fancy suits,
I sit awkwardly on a couch,
as unfamiliar faces loom.
"enough!" I cry inside my head,
as relatives unknown discuss
the newly married bride and groom.
"I'll have no more of this", I think,
and wander off to find a space
away from all this wretched noise.
I come upon the snack table -
a veritable feast of food.
more types of cheese did reside there
than I had ever seen before.
these cheeses are a varied lot,
some orange, some yellow, white, or beige.
some came from cows, some came from goats,
and some from dairy substitutes.
they called to me so teasingly,
"you cannot eat us all," they chide.
enraged, I challenge them and claim
that I could eat them any day.
with trusty crackers as my sword,
and napkin serving as my shield,
I plunge into this deadly test
of perserverence, strength, and wit.
the cheeses are quite sinister -
they will resort to any trick,
like hiding jalapeno bombs
(whose poignant flavors burned my tongue),
or crumbling quickly out of reach.
alas, I fight them, one by one,
a vicious clash of cheese and sword
(my vorpal blade goes snicker-snack!)
I send those snacks right to their grave.
I dive and slash and stab and slice
they counter quite evasively.
but bit by bit, and piece by piece,
I vanquish daring dairy foes.
my arms are spiderwebbed with scars,
the floor is strewn with their debris.
a murky dust covers the room,
the ghosts of cheeses slain in war.
I promptly walk up to the bar,
victoriously, I buy a sprite.
...when I'm tired of giving...
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Watching Jeopardy on mute. You get all of the questions, but none of the answers. You walk away, and a few minutes later are still trying to figure out what obscure 80's band it was talking about. Curse you, muted Jeopardy, for ruining my peace of mind!
Not that it was all that peaceful to begin with. AGH. This whole college thing is starting to drive me crazy.
First of all: the essays. I've never liked writing essays. But, until now, they have just been some grade that sorta kinda mattered, but not really because I could balance it out with good grades on the reading quizzes. But college application essays... if I mess these up, I'm in a lot more trouble. The next four years (and, to an extent, the rest of my life) depends on how well I write these essays. No pressure.
And then: I don't actually really want to go to college. I sound crazy, right? All of the other seniors are like "oh my god I can't wait to leave this place and break free and blah blah blah." But... I don't know. I'm happy now. And I don't want that to have to change. I don't want to have to leave behind everything I have now. I feel like I finally belong. The first two years of highschool... well, they were a bit rough. I had to figure out where I fit in and who my friends were. But most of last year, and then this year... it has been amazing. I look forward to coming to school each day. I have great friends, am finally participating in school-related activities (theater, diversity club, art club)... everything just works. And I don't want to have to change all of that. I don't want to leave.
Yeah, she definitely plays a big part in this. I love her, and I'm scared of even thinking about the fact that I won't be here next year. I don't know what to do. I honestly wish I wasn't a senior.
People keep saying that college will be the best part of my life or whatever and that I'll make a bunch of new friends and stuff like that. Well, too bad. I like the friends I have now, and I don't want to have to ditch them all and go make new ones.
I'm tired, and I haven't even started homework yet. sigh.
...but please pick the five that are MOST IMPORTANT to you...
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
(THE AMERICAN DREAM.)
(i) The Culture
(Sold my soul for a quarter.)
. “How can I help you?”
. Glazed eyes and a poorly-suppressed sigh conveyed
. That however much they were paying her for this,
. It clearly wasn’t enough.
Bang! Boom! Crash!
Violence! Action! Sex!
A vicarious summer, ten bucks a pop;
branded merchandise soon to follow.
All you’ll need,
all you’ll ever need.
Save for the hotly-anticipated sequel.
Metallic behemoths, hot chicks.
Cinematic excellence, ADD culture.
A match made in heaven.
Even better are the wide-screen,
crystal-clear HDTV monstrosities.
Infinite channels of nothing,
a wasteland of raw emotion.
. Her hair fell brown-black in carefully casual waves,
. Waves parted by stylishly retro rectangular glasses.
. Eyeliner, applied in a trendy scene style, rimmed
. Eyes I dare not meet in dreams.
Glorious lifelines, those earplugs,
pumping manufactured angst.
Provocative female vocals compliment
phat synths, catchy beats, and forgettable lyrics
about this breakup or that affair.
Dance/pop replaced hip-hop,
alt-rock after emo-whine.
Ironically angsty artistic faded,
succeeded by whatever’s danceable.
To hate myself or to hate the world?
Or just to screw it, drink, and party?
Music for all.
I go for the punk and the classic rock.
The Green Day and the ACDC.
Institutionalized disrespect, prefabricated chaos.
This is my culture.
. Drink after drink of caffeine buzz
. Shouted at me from the chalked blackboard.
. She sighed, fingers impatiently drumming
. On the faux-marble counter-top.
. She glances at me, at the register.
. Impatience, boredom.
. So deliciously ironic.
Books are a more sophisticated delight.
Still untainted by the ignorant masses,
they offer their subtle pleasures.
The classic psychological twists
are my favorite, of course.
1984, Animal Farm,
love me some George Orwell.
House of Leaves owns my soul.
My darling Lolita, princess of darkness.
Fahrenheit 451, Lord of the Flies.
But most of all, Fight Club,
the idolized masterpiece.
Pain to feel alive,
paying for the right to live.
(ii) The People
(When in Rome.)
. I scanned the menu once more, testing her patience.
. Her glazed glance turned to a glare.
. Inhaling the sharp scent of coffee grounds,
. I picked my poison.
Jeers and taunts ring like merchants hawking wares.
Cliques fill the hallways like circles of demons.
The jocks and their cheerleaders,
the preps, the Goths, the artsy drama kids.
Nerds, gangsters, druggies.
Rich and poor, black and white,
separated by increasingly visible lines.
An ancient and unchanging power-structure,
otherworldly forces assigning each his place.
Don’t rock the boat,
or else we might drown.
A biblical flood, a cleansing disaster.
. I dug through my pockets, never breaking eye contact.
. Coins clanked onto the counter.
. The drinks here are ridiculously overpriced,
. And a Tall is the least tall thing I have ever seen.
These kids, they get high, they get drunk.
A cocktail of malice, complete with prescriptions.
The over-diagnosed, the over-exposed,
generation of lost hope.
Well-wishers in comfy offices speak
of paranoia, schizophrenia, ADHD.
Depressed, anorexic, bipolar.
These are my people.
Everyone must be fixed.
If only they knew.
But if a pill cures all,
and a drug molds personality,
then who are we, really?
. I watched as she moved to the machine.
. Easy-listening music floated from the speakers.
. My shoulders ached from the weight of the backpack.
. She glanced back at me, and I was still staring at her.
I am better than them, and I know it.
They mock me, but their cries mean nothing.
People today are stupid, lifeless.
Just drones, cogs in an endless machine.
They wouldn’t know life unless you took it from them.
I was smarter than all of them, more logical,
I saw through this mess,
this objectivist nightmare.
I would come as a savior,
a shepherd of the sheeple.
I would judge the quick and the dead.
A bit of social turbulence, that’s all.
A spark for the revolution.
Our own Project Mayhem.
Bring corporate America to its knees.
(iii) The Incident
(No cry for help.)
. She handed me my drink.
Intimidated by my stare, her eyes darted to and fro.
Finally, I released her.
I turned around, a table in the corner
my lonely destination.
My pace quickened as I neared my sanctuary,
my kingdom, my freedom.
The lone chair invited me, calling for me
to sit in it, to fulfill its destiny.
I passed yuppies sitting,
typing on their MacBooks.
Probably writing pretentious poetry.
God, I hate poetry.
I hate art. I hate culture. I hate the philistine barbarians who have destroyed cinema and symphony. I sat down in the chair and stared again at the barista – oh God, her eyes. She reminded me too much of that one girl, that oh so wonderful girl from my algebra class who was so terribly out of my range, and knew it, and flaunted it, making out with that ugly imbecile of a jock she called a boyfriend – yes, she would have to go, and what a shameful thing it would be, for she had such pretty eyes. I placed my backpack on the floor beside me, reached inside of it, felt around, searching for my creation, my treasure… I had made it at Sam’s house, with stuff that I had stolen from the chemistry lab – they had all kinds of explosive stuff in those cabinets, and I would just sneak some home with me each day until I finished it. And now I would finally get my opportunity to use it, to set things right, to improve the world… to reach my destiny as a savior, a hero, a saint, a martyr… I would be remembered for this – I would make it into the headlines, the evening news. I envisioned the scene in my mind, watching the reactions of the people around me; that old man, he won’t know what’s going on, but that lady over there has a chance, and she might be able to escape… I could almost feel the blast now, I could almost hear the explosion, this was turning me on. But I must calm myself. I mustn’t lose control. This all had a purpose. I knew what I was doing. Social upheaval. Yes. Fear, terror, chaos. Yes. Sticking it to the man. Yes. I can do this. I am your one true fear, your one true enemy. I am Legend, the Jesus of Surburbia, the savior of the damned, ironman, the waiting. I am the unwanted, the unwashed, the uncared for, the slumdog, the underdog. I am the chosen one, the Muad’dib, the beast behind the wall, the walrus. I am your father, the kids your parents warned you about, invincible, a freak, a weirdo, the final solution. I am the last fragments of soul burning through your dead eyes. I am that last gasp for breath before everything fades to blackness. I am the sickening feeling in your gut as you realize the breaks are failing. I am the alpha and the omega, the creator and the destroyer. I am the way the world ends.
(iv) The Reaction
(Empathy is a lost cause.)
“Did you hear what happened?”
“That Kyle kid?”
“He was always such a freak.”
“I never liked him.”
“He looked sorta gay.”
“I always knew he would go crazy.”
“I mean, did you see the way he acted?”
“He was such a creeper.”
“Remember that time –”
“Yeah!” “Oh God.”
“He used to stare at me all the time.”
“He was always pretty weird.”
“I pushed him down the stairs once.”
“Ha… I stole his lunch a few times.”
“The other day, he told me to watch the news.”
“I dunno, I guess he was trying to make the headlines.”
Thursday, August 27, 2009
I'm actually enjoying school now. I mean, I did before, but... I don't know, it's different now. I love basically all of my classes (except for English, but eh, that's okay). I have more friends than I ever have before (even though only like four of them are actually in my grade, haha). And I feel like things will only get better from here. There's some people I'd like to get to know better, and I actually have classes with them now, so yay. College applications are annoying, but they will be done soon.
And... yayyyyy theater is finally starting again! Not only is theater awesome, it also means I get to hang out with Daily after school instead of riding the bus home and listening to the little kids scream. I swear, if I hear those kids sing along to Hannah Montana one more time... hahaha.
Community meeting was hilarious today. (For those of you not at Cannon - since a certain number of people went to some soccer game or something, the varsity soccer team sang Taylor Swift's song Love Story. It was epic.). I have Taylor Swift stuck in my head now, but I guess that's an acceptable trade-off for such entertainment.
In other news, and in an attempt to get other music stuck in my head, I highly recommend that you listen to Queen's Bicycle Race. It's an amazing song.
I got my braces off yesterday!!! Yayy, this is excitinggg!!! I've had them on for what seems like FOR EVER. So, I'm happy. Yay!
Earlier this week, I noticed something. I was riding the bus to school (as a senior), listening to t.A.T.u and Cascada, and reading Fruits Basket. I figured that this could mean that my life was either really lame or really awesome. I'm going with really awesome.
I've been experimenting with creating synthesized music, and some of it is turning out somewhat well. I might actually try putting some songs together. The genre I'm going for right now is sorta a mixture of electronica, trip-hop, progressive, rock, and ambient. This might be fun.
Okay so I'm basically wasting time now, hoping that Mr. Fitzsimmons will send out the cast list tonight. Because I really want to see it! Hahaha, we're doing this really depressing play about a mining town where there is a huge explosion and basically all the men die. So it's pretty sad... there are monologues by dead miners, and their widows, and stuff. Yeah, haha. I might get to play a dead miner.
Anyway, I guess that's all for now. Goodnight!
...and I can almost put it back together...
Thursday, August 20, 2009
One of my favorite classes so far is The Voice, the creative writing class. One of the activities we did was based on "found" poetry - in this activity, we picked random words and phrases from the top and bottom of certain pages in a random book, and then turned them into a poem. I picked Fahrenheit 451, which was an excellent choice. Below is my poem:
A silly thing, fun at my expense.
Maximum of comfort for two thousand dollars.
Keep the world happy and laughing.
Only one way out, he whispers in your ear.
Oh god, you silly fool.
A salamander glimmering in the high darkness.
It sizzles faintly in the great hot emptiness.
A new sun.
I knew it I knew it I knew it.
Did I tell you? Eventually, it might fall upon the city.
Bing bing bing, yelling, laughing.
The sick look on your face.
Stone by stone, falling.
Darkness, yelling, laughing.
You fall and lay without moving.
Another fever, a numbness.
An old man yelling, “Are you asleep in there?”
You’re a fool, an awful fool, an idiot.
I don’t know.
The final push towards murder.
Suicide and crying and awful feelings.
A charred wax doll.
I knew it.
But now I only hear laughing.
It's okay, I guess. I like it better than the other poems I've written in the class, but the limited word choice bugged me a bit. I probably would have cut back on the laughing. I don't know.
I've been trying to spread the word about Symposium. It's September 18th, at about 6:00 pm, in Taylor Hall. If you want to perform or anything, just let me know. If not, please come anyway!
For theater, it looks like we might be doing some depressing play about a mining town where a whole bunch of men die in an accident. fun fun.
...scrambled eggs, pork chops, and hot dogs...
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Portishead is awesome. I finally bought their second album (titled Portishead), even though I already have like half of the songs on it through the live CD. Anyways, I now have all of their albums, and am most happy. Artists who I have the complete discography of: Pink Floyd, The Beatles, Radiohead, Arcade Fire, Muse, Portishead, My Chemical Romance. Interesting selection. I'm working on acquiring all of Massive Attack next. Yay for trip-hop/electronica.
I don't want to brag, but whatever. Here goes. Well, my family decided to finally update our cellphone plan, so it actually fit our usage. Which means we all got new cellphones. I took full advantage of this, and got a Blackberry Tour. (Since I hadn't updated my old phone in like... YEARS, there was quite a bit of credit built up for a new phone). Anyways. It is pretty awesome. I generally dislike cellphones and texting in general... but I can check my email on this! yay! So, I've got it set up to recieve notifications for facebook, my gmail account, and my school webmail account. Awesome. Even better: I found a Pandora app for it! Yay music! And then... I FOUND AN SSH CLIENT!!!! This is basically the best thing ever. It means that I can log into my server... from my blackberry. And run things from the linux console. To test it out, I logged on, wrote a C source file in vi, compiled it with gcc, and ran it. It worked! All from my blackberry. Now I can do server maintenance WHEREVER!!! Hehehehe.
Okay. So yeah. School.
Here's the classes I'm taking:
Calculus 3 online from Stanford.
English 4 Honors.
The Voice: Creative Writing - Poetry and Fiction.
An interesting mixture.
...if I wasn't afraid...
Monday, August 10, 2009
First, Handlebars by Flobots. The music video is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuK2A1ZqoWs
I like the way the lyrics and the music video work together to tell a message. Neither of them would be as effective without the other, in my opinion. I think the moral is interesting - as individuals, we have incredible power and abilities. How do we use them? For good, or for evil? For progress? Is progress always good? This video thinks not. I am still undecided.
Second, The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel. I had a hard time finding a link for this... I wanted you to hear the studio version, not a live performance or a cover. This was the only thing I found: http://www.wat.tv/video/simon-and-garfunkel-the-boxer-1430v_1430y_.html
Anyway, I just love this song. Especially from about 4:00 onwards. Not really sure why, but this song has been stuck in my head now every single morning.
So. yeah. Listen to them if you want. Tell me what you think. Give me random songs to listen to. Whatever.
...and wishing I was gone...
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
I see what you are doing. And don't worry, I will get you. You can run, you can hide, but it won't last. Not for long.
My creativity comes in annoying flashes. I'll get really great inspiration and ideas, but at times when I can't work on them. And then as soon as I have free time, I suddenly no longer want to draw/play/write/program/whatever. It's frustrating. I'm trying to beat it though. I'm slowly working on a small art piece based on the album "Funeral" by Arcade Fire.
I love that album. It has recently become my second favorite album of all time (behind Dark Side of the Moon, of course). I don't know why, it's just awesome. Neon Bible, their second album, is pretty good, but is a little darker and a little less catchy. In my opinion, at least.
Strange. The parts that are supposed to be easy are tantalizingly hard, and the parts that are supposed to be hard are confusingly easy.
Hmm. School starts in about two weeks. Meh. I'm looking forward to it. Somewhat. I also want to avoid certain things/people. Sigh.
I don't want to go to college yet. I know I still have another year... but it just seems like it is coming up too soon.
...people everywhere / a sense of expectation hanging in the air...
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
I leave again on Wednesday to go to another family reunion (my mom's side, this time) in Vermont. Most of her family lives somewhere out in the southwest, but she has a cousin or something who lives in Vermont, and apparently owns some cabins by a lake. So, I'll be staying in a cabin, surrounded by a whole bunch of people who somehow know me, even though I can't really remember any of them. This should be interesting. But anyway, I'll be gone until... maybe about Sunday or so? Something like that.
I'm sad because Daily will be leaving for California on Wednesday also, and won't get back until the next Wednesday... siiiiigh. Even though some of you might hate me for saying this, I actually sorta look forward to school starting back again. At least that way I will get to see her every day!
I am, for some reason, feeling rather more literary and artistic than ever before. I've been reading a lot, mostly books that I've borrowed from Daily. I've been doing more art, and enjoying it. I've actually started writing in a journal recently, which has been a rather interesting experience. And I have some ideas for another poem, which I may attempt to write at some point. All in all, I feel quite productive. Haha, it'd be nice if this new-found productivity would help me write a song for our band... oh well. We haven't gotten to practice at all recently, between Alexandros's trip to Greece, my various trips, Carrie's surgery, and random other stuff. Sigh.
Ugh, my internet is being slow. It's really annoying. That's about it for now. I suppose I'll post another blog entry in a week or so, after the family reunion. If I remember. Haha. Enjoy your summers, everyone!
like a castle built on the sand, slowly eroding
Monday, June 8, 2009
In other news, YAYYY! Over the past week or two, I'd been working on building a new computer to act as a webserver. It works! You can visit it here: http://e.rabidcentipede.com/ (even though you won't see anything if I turn the computer off.) The next thing I'm trying to do is build a (reaaaally) basic blogging system. I'll let you know if it ever works.
I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her (this whole not-being-at-school thing might be hard...)
Two of my favorite hobbies are karate and drums. Since I already have a second degree blackbelt in shorinji kempo karate, most of the training I do now is in stickfighting. There is something oddly calming about stickfighting - when Sensei and I are practicing, instinct and reflex take over. I am no longer stressed or bothered by the petty concerns that I normally worry about. I just move with the rhythm - blocking, countering, dodging, striking. I am focused completely on his stick. My arms move on their own, executing the techniques and patterns until they become second-nature. Stepping forwards and backwards, edging to one side or another - it's almost a zen-like state of motion. Drumming is similar - once I get into the beat, my arms and legs take care of themselves. Even though it may seem difficult at first to keep four different limbs moving in four different patterns, it's actually quite easy. If you can get into the right flow, you can stay there with little effort. It just feels... natural.
I don't know. I guess most people think of meditation as something silent and still. But to me, stickfighting and drumming are a form of meditation. Even though they both seem complicated, they are both basically simple patterns and rhythms.
What things do you use as a form of meditation?
"what a sick, masochistic lion"
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
There's a whole bunch of stuff I've been wanting to do for a while now, and I figured summer would be a good time to try to get them all done. I mean, I don't have school anymore, so it should all just be free time, right? Well, somehow, I can never get around to finishing anything. Ah well. Hopefully my work ethic will return soon.
My sister recently got me re-addicted to The Sims 2. And guess what just came out today? The Sims 3! We're probably going to get it tomorrow. Hopefully? haha.
There are sooo many movies coming out this summer, it's ridiculous. I saw Angels and Demons - it was good, even if they did sorta skip most of the first half of the story. I saw Terminator: Salvation - it was okay... you could tell that all of their budget went to special effects instead of story. And I've heard good things about Up, which I am planning to see soon. Other things I want to see: Night at the Museum 2, Transformers 2 (and the first one, probably should watch that first...), the new Harry Potter movie... and then New Moon comes out in November! yayyy, I cannot wait.
I recently started watching Ouran High School Host Club again. It is a HILARIOUS show. I highly recommend it.
Meh, I guess I should quit procrastinating and actually go do something productive now.
my favorite three-word phrase
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Sooo... it's almost the end of the school year. Usually, I'd be looking forward to this. However... this year feels different. I've been so much happier this year in general, and have made so many new friends... I'd almost rather keep coming to school and hanging out with everyone than have to go our seperate ways during the summer. I mean, I know we will be able to see eachother occasionally, but it will be difficult... Alexandros is taking a month-long trip to Greece (no fair!), and Daily will randomly be going to Florida and California and stuff. Whoops, there go two of my best friends. Oh well, I guess I can just wait until next school year...
The more I think about it, the more I realize how strange next year will be. I mean, yes, I will be a senior... but I don't really think that means that much to me. I mean, I'm going to be taking Theater 1 (again), which is probably going to be filled with freshmen. And then who knows who else will be taking The Voice. Besides, enough of my friends are either freshmen or sophomores right now that I will probably spend more time with them than with my actual grade.
And then, all of the people that will be gone next year... Hm. Well, I'm glad some of the teachers will be gone (not that it matters, since I'm never taking spanish again. ever.)... but then... sigh. Mr. Dailey will be gone. This frustrates me. Hmm, I might as well get this out now:
WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??
I mean really... I usually don't get mad, but I am BEYOND pissed at the people who complained about him. Okay, I can deal with the fact that you got a bad grade in his class, and are annoyed. I can deal with the fact that you might not always agree with him, or like his teaching methods. But seriously... complaining to the administration and trying to get him kicked out? And using that video as an excuse? You disgust me.
Mr. Dailey was one of my favorite teachers. He encouraged us to think in new and different ways, and I appreciated that. I mean, I didn't even agree with him all of the time, but it was still refreshing to hear his opinion.
But really. Calling him out on... an anti-homophobia video? REALLY? And what was your lame excuse? Oh yeah, you said that he was "forcing his views upon you".... what the heck? Since when is promoting understanding and peace a bad thing? If a history teacher told you that killing black people just because they were black was bad, you wouldn't complain about them "forcing their beliefs upon you", would you? No. I'm tired of your ignorance and obvious disrespect for both human rights and one of my favorite teachers. Thanks to you, he now has to find a new job next year. I hope karma comes back to bite you some day - it will be vicious.
Yeah, sorry. I got a little angry. And it doesn't really matter, because the main person(s) I was targeting that at probably doesn't read this anyway. Oh well.
Bleh, tired. And I have physics to study for tomorrow... fun fun.
in the year of my decline...
Friday, May 22, 2009
Here they are:
(small drum roll)
(a)Driving down the interstate at (b) 60 miles per hour
(a)The rush of adrenalin,(b)the cold thrill of power
(a)Cars blurring by you (b)to the left and right
(a)An enhanced state of mind, (b)you contemplate your life
(small drum fill)
(a)There must be more than this,(b) you think subconsciously
(a)Some sort of purpose, meaning, (b)a reason to be
(small drum fill)
(a)As you think,(b) you begin to relax,
(a)And without meaning to, (b)your foot slips off the gas
(longish drum fill, transition into mid section, piano turns to organ)
(random jam, lots of drum fills)
(lots of guitar wah)
(random keyboard going up and down)
(somehow, transition back. back to piano)
(a)flying through the air at (b) nearly the speed of light
(a) you can see so far from here (b) there’s no end in sight
(a)soaring above the towns (b)and the buildings too
(a)you look out in the distance (b)an infinity of blue
(a)you fly higher still (b) deep into space
(a) didn’t find a meaning (b)but you saw her face
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
the fall of man,
or the rise of sanity?
the sun rises.
a city scene, perfectly happy.
oh, unreal city!
a row of pretty perfect homes perched in a row,
housewives bustling contently,
businessmen off at work.
the clock chimes,
the sun sets.
these are the wasted days.
far up in the ancient tower,
surrounded by his whirring clockwork masterpiece,
the phantom watches.
nothing disturbs his observations,
save the marking of the hour.
a table laden with golden drinks,
a room shining with smiles and jewelry.
a woman sips wine at her table,
floating in the easy tension of the evening.
the magician takes the stage,
a paragon of trickery and deceit.
a white dove emerges, drawn from his black hat.
black and red cards emerge, drawn from his black hat.
he smiles a convincing smile, leading the audience along,
down a narrow trail of deception.
his sly charisma, it fools us all.
your eyes that burn with jade fire
hide endless pain and desire.
the trick is telling them apart.
clouds of the dust of ages past obscures our vision,
but is not the blindness of ignorance a greater threat?
call up your scholars, historians, critics, visionaries
and see the best that they've got.
disappointed yet? if not,
you're not looking hard enough.
the man stands, cloaked in black,
like lightning, his pale eyes flash.
the knife slides in slowly.
his job is done.
silently he mounts his steel horse,
a mass of throbbing metal and pulsing muscle,
and rides off into the piercing rain.
the sun rises.
a mountain scene, perfectly clear.
a river of endless blue,
rows of brittle pines,
rocky slopes, and crisp fresh air.
wind winding down the valley
gently caresses the trees
as I caress your hand.
the sun sets.
oh, these days that are both
far too long and far too short.
the phantom sighs.
black, red, white, gold
an endless swirl of colors.
this is my mind, faded around the edges.
wind winding around the fortress walls,
stirring up clouds of dust,
probing for a weakness, searching.
there is no end in sight.
in the dark,
no one can hear you scream.
in the dark, you can only see so far.
a shaded perception.
halfway down east 17th street sits a small cafe.
a woman sips her coffee at a table,
scanning faded lines of a half-forgotten novel.
smoke rises, circling above her head.
in the narrow cobblestone trail,
a white dove pecks at wind-scattered crumbs.
the women sets down her cup, enlightened.
tossing her cigarette over her shoulder,
the woman departs.
the demon leans in closer.
pain is for the weak,
she scoffed with a glint in her eye.
I cannot take this any more.
a small incision is all that's needed,
the poison drips in slowly.
I cannot take this any more.
one small bite and down you go:
the red-eyed twin-demons of fear and deceit
have had their fill.
I cannot take this any more.
the queen sits cold, broken.
her blank canvas marred,
her fears unspoken.
She cries, her tears reflected in the silver mirror.
here I sit in my sanctuary,
the eye of the storm.
half-forgotten treasures, sleepy pauses.
you are by my side.
however, not all are pleased.
the crowds seek excitement, anger, violence.
their screams echo in the distance,
their firebombs approach.
the sun rises.
a row of pretty perfect homes perched in a row --
shouldn't there be more than this? --
manifest their owner's delight.
the wind howls, the clouds change.
a mountain fog approaches.
the darkness falls in slowly,
overcoming each one.
the sun sets.
these are the end-times.
the clock chimes in the dead of night,
its silver peal ringing through the air.
the black boot thrusts downward.
his pale eyes beg,
why have you forsaken me?
now he knows all the tricks.
the phantom departs.
the sun rises.
tongues of flame leap into the sky,
slowly burning the perfect houses.
smoke rises, circling above the city.
embers, ash, envy, rage.
destruction creeps down the street,
demolishing all in its path.
the phantom surveys the land, and mourns -
a world both dead and alive with fire.
as the last charred timbers sink into the debris,
the clock chimes.
the sun sets.
this is the way the world ends.
you see this?? I can be this.
this is what I shall become.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Note: I don’t want to offend anyone with this. If you don’t agree with me, whatever. It doesn’t bother me. I’m just going to sorta rant about stuff.
Anyways. I’m an analytical person. I like to understand things, to be able to see how and why they work. Because of this, I want to understand life. I want to know why I am here, why you are here, and why we do the things we do. Therefore, I’ve always had a vague interest in psychology and philosophy, and have spent a lot of time thinking about these things.
Religion serves as an answer for most people – it explains why everyone is here, why we do what we do, and why we should do it. However, being an analytical person, I’ve always had difficulty accepting most of the world’s major religions. They all seemed to conflict with science or logic in some way. And this just didn’t work for me. I never really felt right with the idea of suspending logic and reasoning, and relying only on faith. Logic is what we use to understand the world around us – why must it suddenly stop working in this case? If there is some sort of God, why doesn’t he/she exist in a way that can be logically explained?
The other thing that always bothered me about (organized) religion was the elitism that seemed to follow it. So many of the religions teach that theirs is the only true path, and that anyone else was wrong and would burn in hell or whatever. This never made sense to me… someone born in a different country in a different culture would never have a chance to be exposed to your religion, and would instead be raised with their native religion… what are they doing wrong? Why do they deserve damnation, just because they followed what their parents taught them?
And then so many religions also have to be discriminatory. If you preach love and peace, stick to your word. If you say that God loves everyone, that means he loves EVERYONE – including people of other faiths, cultures, sexual orientations, political parties, etc.
Soooo. Enough about bashing other religions. Now, to the more interesting part… what I believe.
When figuring out what I believe, I tried to start with as many basic truths as possible – things that made logical sense, and could be agreed upon regardless of your religion. For instance: humans enjoy pleasure, and dislike pain. Our nervous systems are made in a way that some things please us, while others cause us pain. Things that cause us pain are usually dangerous, so the pain serves as a warning. Because of this, it can be inferred that we are not meant to experience pain. Therefore, causing pain to others, be it physical, emotional, or whatever, is bad. And bringing pleasure to others, by making them feel happy, loved, and cared for, is good. In addition, making yourself happy, as long as it does not cause pain to others, is good. And causing pain to yourself is bad.
Those basic guidelines serve more or less as my system of morals. They make some sort of rational sense, which I personally find more comforting than some religious text telling me what is and isn't right. Besides, the moral systems of almost all of the major religions line up with my own pretty well - loving others, being peaceful, etc., all fit under my guidelines.
On a more metaphysical/spiritual side... I'm still not really sure what I think. Right now, it goes something like this: the world is a very complex thing, and we all have different ways of viewing and understanding it. Everyone percieves things differently, based on their own experiences and beliefs. Some might percieve the world to include a God, while others might percieve five, six, or even hundreds of gods. Still others will percieve no gods at all. One person might see a "miraculous" rescue of some sort, and percieve it as an act of God. A second person may percieve it as a random act of chance, while a third person might see how exactly physically possible it actually was, and that therefore there was no "miracle" involved. In my opinion, all three of these are correct ways of interpreting the incident... they are merely just different ways of trying to comprehend the amazing complexity of the universe.
Because of this, I believe that all faiths, including non-faiths such as agnosticism and athiesm, are correct. Each one is just a different way of looking at the same thing.
As for what happens after we die... I'm not sure about this. I sorta like the idea that people are in control of what happens to them when they die. People who think they will go to heaven will go to heaven. People who think they will go to hell will go to hell. People who think life just ends will... just end. People who think they will be reincarnated will be reincarnated. None of these are wrong, it all depends on what you think. Since none of these can be proven (or disproven!) logically, I refuse to believe that any particular one of these is correct and that the others are wrong. I just think that your perception of the world after death will depend on what you think it should be.
In addition, I have a rather interesting perspective on prayers/wishes/goals. To me, these are all the same things. A person who percieves the world as having a God will express their goals and wishes as prayers. A person who percieves the world as NOT having a God will express their prayers as wishes and goals.
There's more, but I can't really think of anything else right now. Oh yeah, sorry for the horrible writing style/quality. I have all of these things I want to say, but they end up sounding really awkward by the time I actually type them. Oh well.
An eternity of THIS before your eyes...
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I'm really tired, which is why I'm not writing the blog entry I was planning to write. You see, I had this idea for a massive discourse about religion/love/peace/acceptance/beliefs, but... I'm tired. So instead, you get this random rant.
I've been reading more recently. Right now, I'm reading a pretty good series: kissed by an angel / the power of love / soulmates. It's a rather interesting romance-mystery-suspense story.
Hmm... I've been wanting to draw something recently, but I haven't really had any ideas. I'm thinking about trying a cityscape though... it will be at night, and it shall be raining. That's really all I've decided.
In other news, I completely fail at doing that I should do.
Time to go study/sleep/read, perhaps?
He thought he was honest.
Monday, April 27, 2009
I have ideas for a good one though. So hopefully that will come soon?
Anyways, the idea here was to answer each question with a song title, and to limit yourself to one artist.
I chose the Beatles.
Some of the answers were chosen sarcastically, or because they fit nicely - they do not all actually reflect my real answer to the question.
Are you male or female? : Something
Describe yourself : I Am The Walrus
How do you feel about yourself? : Getting Better
Describe where you currently live? : Here, There And Everywhere
If you could go anywhere, where would you go? : Strawberry Fields Forever
Your favorite form of transportation? : Flying (even though Yellow Submarine is a close second.)
Your best friend is? : I'm going to list three, one for each of my best friends.
- Her Majesty
- Oh! Darling
Your favorite color is? : For You Blue
What's the weather like? : Rain
Favorite time of day? : Good Morning Good Morning
If your life was a tv show, what would it be called? : What Goes On
What is life to you? : All My Loving
What is the best advice you have to give? : Let It Be
If you could change your name, what would it be? : Eleanor Rigby
Your favorite food is: Honey Pie
Thought for the Day: Your Mother Should Know (hahaha jk, I just wanted to put that somewhere. Actually: All You Need Is Love)
How I would like to die: Golden Slumbers
My soul's present condition: I've Got A Feeling
My motto: Think For Yourself
I read the news today, oh boy.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
I don’t really know what I want. This is a problem. Well, I know what I don’t want – I guess that’s a good start. But how to move forward, to make progress? Ah, trapped again.
I am confused. Taunted by vague visions, lead on by unsure dreams. Competing realities. Hiding in the shadows.
I feel more alive than I ever have before. It is scary, thrilling, dangerous. I want to laugh, cry, scream, run. I want it to end as soon as possible, and yet I want it to last forever. As one of the greatest writers of our era once said, “Ponder, indefinitely.”
The past year has been rather interesting. It probably would have been a little easier if I didn’t have to keep going through periods of enlightenment and self-discovery every few months though. Hm. It’s probably safe to say that I have changed more over the past year and a half or so than almost ever before in my life. Are any of you in a position to judge, agree, or disagree? Comments welcome.
Sudden topic change?!
Music is calming, soothing. Sometimes it brings back good memories (Arcade Fire – Funeral). Other times, it just helps you relax (Pink Floyd – Dark Side of the Moon). Music can energize you, help you get ready. It can invoke emotions. Such as now. ((title))
I love her I love her I love her I love her I love her I love her I love her. <3
Afterwards, we all went to Steak and Shake and sat at this MASSIVE table and had a really good time, hahaha. Even if it did possibly involve scaring off basically everyone else in the restaurant. Oops.
In other news, I am slightly mad at myself for constantly putting off something that I need to do. I don't really understand why...
the microscopic inside of a leaf.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
agnostic / angsty / anxious / awkward / bad liar / bisexual / black belt / broken / caring / confused / curious / depressed / drummer / easily amused / easily hurt / embarrassed / emotional / fortunate / frustrated / gamer / geek / guilty / happy / hippy / immature / in love / INTP (or INFP, around certain people) / juvenile / kind(?!) / lazy / liberal / music-loving / nerdy / not very masculine / obsessive / over-analytical / peaceful / programmer / questioning / quiet / reflective / sarcastic / scared / scarred / self-conscious / shy / stalker / teenager / thoughtful / timid / unsure / worried / young
I followed you down a path of evil. I was lost, confused, scared. I didn't know better.
You swagger along, the crowd parting to let you through. Nothing touches you or changes you. You are fixed, distant, apart.
I looked too deeply, trying to find good where it didn't exist. I judged lightly.
Your slippery lies, your stubborn anger. You make the world around you worse.
I was confused. I sought acceptance, happiness.
You hurt. You insult, you belittle, you slander.
I listened and internalized when I shouldn't have.
You ruined me.
I saw the path you were on, I tried to get away.
You called it cowardice.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
There are things that I should do, want to do, or need to do, and yet... I don't. Why? I'm afraid.
What am I afraid of?
It depends on the situation. But most of the time, I am afraid of failure. I afraid of failing publicly, and being embarrassed or humiliated in front of an untold number of people. I am afraid of failing privately, and having to live with the shame that I was not good enough to succeed.
So I avoid doing difficult things, things that I might easily fail at.
But there are other things too.
I am afraid of other people - of what they think of me. I am afraid of being judged and criticized. I don't want people to think negatively of me, I don't want to be disliked.
So I avoid doing controversial things, and things that might offend people.
And so here I am, stuck on this path of safety. This path of actions that I probably won't fail at, and that I probably won't offend anyone with.
I want to get away.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Some people can't stand it, and feel terribly awkward during any long pause. They search frantically for something to say, and won't be comfortable again until the conversation gets going. These people need to talk, they need the action/attention/entertainment/information/whatever else.
Others couldn't really care either way. They have no problem with talking, and yet they also have no problem with letting the conversation die out. They can see the benefits of talking, but they can also see the benefits of a quiet lull.
And others actually prefer silence. They feel pressured and awkward with everyone talking, and would much rather listen and observe. To them, silence is relaxing, refreshing, and renewing.
Which kind are you?
(mkay, I think the next entry will actually be a legit entry about my life. Sorry for the continued theme.)
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Anyways, I decided to continue and try out for our spring musical. Now, let me explain something. I do not sing. Nope. Never. Singing is not something you will ever find me doing, as I am terribly bad at it. So why did I try out for a musical? That is a good question. For the audition, we had to read a monologue, and then sing part of a song. As soon as my audition was over, I went up to Mr. Fitzsimmons (the director), and told him that if this whole singing thing didn't really work out, I would be glad to do tech work or be stage manager or something. He said he would think about it, and so I waited.
Now, the play we are doing is called The Fantasticks. Apparently it was on Broadway for a freakishly long time, so a lot of people should (theoretically) know about it. Anyway, The Fantasticks happens to have a character who is a mute. The mute has no lines, and doesn't have to sing. As soon as I found this out, I began hoping that I could get the part of the mute.
Luckily, I did.
So, now I am a Mute. I have no lines to memorize, and I don't have to sing for any of the songs. I get to do a whole bunch of awesome stuff, and occasionally just blend into the background, and then reappear when I am needed. It is quite fun. I get to be silent, and just watch and observe everyone else.
Because of this, I have had to learn to deal with silence. Since I say nothing, the audience relies on my actions to understand my character. I can't use my voice to express emotion, and instead have to rely on my body. I must be more careful with my movements, and keep my facial expressions calm and clear. Silence is an interesting thing.
Monday, April 13, 2009
A little while ago, they started removing books that they thought had "adult" content from their listings and bestseller lists. However, they did not remove all books with "adult" content... mainly just books relating to LGBT issues, even if there was hardly any other "adult" content involved.
Do you know what this is? Censorship.
And even worse... if you search "homosexuality" on Amazon.com, the first few results are: "A Parent's Guide to Preventing Homosexuality", "Jesus, the Bible, and Homosexuality, Revised and Expanded Edition: Explode the Myths, Heal the Church", "For The Bible Tells Me So", and "Can Homosexuality Be Healed?".
Does anyone else see anything wrong with this?
Sigh. When did Amazon become such homophobic losers?
Twitter hashtag: #amazonfail